It’s been a long time…

Well it’s been a while since my last post, and so much has changed. For one, I’m now officially married, am studying graphic design, am hoping to move to USA soon, and Lady Gaga’s new album is out. So all in all, life is good. Been thinking a lot about USA actually. Do I really want to move there? Here we are recognized as a legitimate couple, and have the same rights as any straight couple. We have laws that forbid hate crimes, and are protected by our constitution. Will we have that same protection if we were to move to, say, Texas or South Carolina. Apparently not. Guess we’ll have to do Washington or California or NY? Sigh. Where to from here?

My Sticky Chocolate Brownie Mud-Slide Recipe

The best things about these brownies, apart from being utterly scrumptious, is their versatility. They are particularly moist and oozy, and make a delicious dessert when served with a scoop or twelve of ice cream or sweetened whipped cream.

Makes 12 to 24, depending on the size you cut them.

Ingredients:

1 cup oil vegetable oil

1/2 cup of cocoa powder

2 cups of white sugar

4 eggs

2 1/2 cups of plain flour, sifted

1 tsp of baking powder

1/2 tsp of salt

Optional Ingredients:

1/2 cup of walnuts, roughly chopped

or

1/2 cup of chocolate chips

or

1/2 cup of dates, chopped

or

1/2 cup of red glace cherries, halved

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 190 degrees Celsius. Grease a brownie tray (18 x 27.5cm baking pan) and line the bottom and sides with greaseproof paper. Grease again.
2. In a large mug, mix together the oil and cocoa powder.
3. In a large bowl, whisk together the sugar and eggs.
4. Add the flour, baking powder, and salt, and stir to combine.
5. Fold in any additional ingredients, then scoop into the prepared tray.
6. Bake for 35 to 40 minutes, until crusty around the edges but still slightly gooey in the center.
7. Remove from oven, allow to cool completely in the pan, then cut into 12 rectangles or 24 squares.

They can be stored for about 3 days in an airtight container, but I doubt they’ll last that long. To serve warm, simply pop into the microwave for a few seconds.

My Favorite Joke: Foul-mouthed Tommy

Lucinda is having a few of the other moms over for a ladies luncheon, when they overhear little Tommy in the adjacent room playing with his train set.

“All you bitches and hos better get your asses on this motherf%#&ing train, or we’re gonna leave you behind. Put your shit overhead in the f%#&ing space provided.”

Nearly dying of embarrassment, Lucinda promptly puts her teacup down, gets up from her chair, and marches into Tommy’s room. The other moms hear her reprimand him. “Tommy that language is not tolerated in this household. I am very disappointed in you. I don’t know where you have heard such foul language before, but you should know better than to speak like that. Now I want to put your trains away, and think about what you have said. When you are truly sorry for your behavior, and have apologized to Mommy, then you may carry on playing with your trains. Do I make myself very clear young man?” “Yes, Mommy,” he replies.

Five minutes later, Tommy creeps into the lounge, and stands next to his mother, blushing with shame. “I’m sorry Mommy. Can I please play with my trains now?” “Yes, my love,” she replies, smiling with pride. All the moms smile at each other.

Tommy goes back to his room, and the moms resume their tea party. A little while later, Tommy can be heard once more.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the train is about to embark. Kindly board now to avoid being left behind. Please place your luggage in the overhead compartments provided. Thank you. “

Lucinda is very pleased. She is about to tell the mothers how a firm voice does the job, when Tommy continues.

“All passengers pissed off about the delay, speak to the bitch next door!”

Ouma’s Custard Cookies

My gran, who we called ‘Ouma’, always used to have these gorgeous melt in your mouth biscuits on hand whenever we went to visit her. They bring back very fond memories of her and her farmhouse kitchen, which was always filled with the aroma of something yummy in the oven. They are extremely easy to make, and a real treat when served with tea or coffee. Children also seem to love them!

Makes about 30 cookies

Ingredients:

60g of icing sugar (powdered)

180g of butter

180g of all purpose flour

60g of custard powder (or use 60g of cornflour plus 1 tsp of vanilla extract)

Red glace cherries for decorating

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius. Grease a large non-stick baking tray, and line with grease proof paper. Grease again. (I use a silicone mat instead.)
2. In a large bowl, beat together the icing sugar and butter using an electric egg beater.
3. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour and custard powder.
4. Gradually incorporate the flour/ custard powder mixture into the butter/ icing sugar mix, switching to a wooden spoon if the beater takes strain.
5. Using floured hands, roll walnut-sized pieces of the dough into little balls. Place them on the baking tray, and flatten each ball with the back of a fork. Dip the fork in icing sugar to prevent sticking.
6. Push half a glace cherry on each biscuit.
7. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, or until just firm to the touch. Do not overbake them, or they will become hard and brittle. Cool slightly, then transfer to a wire cake/ cookie stand. When completely cool, store in an airtight container for up to a week. Enjoy!

PS: For a bit of a change, I sometimes substitute half of the butter for peanut butter. The result: Peanut Butter Custard Cookies. Need I say more?

On Sundays I rest.

The famous South African cross-dresser cum Aunty of the Nation, Evita Bezuidenhout, told this joke a while ago when asked what his/ her preferred sexual identity was. I can’t remember the exact order of the terms used, but it went something along the lines of:

On Mondays I’m heterosexual

On Tuesdays I’m bisexual

On Wednesdays I’m homosexual

On Thursdays I’m transsexual

On Fridays I’m asexual

On Saturdays I’m trisexual

And on Sundays I rest.

You terrible human being!

To that insolent, ignorant fool who claims that my homosexuality has rendered me ‘blinded by a lie’… I would much rather be gay, and ‘blinded by a lie’ than be responsible for creating millions of starving little babies! I would much rather be the one adopting your mistakes as my own, than creating mistakes which must suffer because I cannot afford to keep them. I would much rather live with someone who loves me the way I am, and accepts my every flaw, than pretend I have been ‘converted’, and live with someone I cannot tolerate. You claim you were once gay. Well how did you manage to turn off your homosexuality? If you ask me, you’re the one who is blinded by a lie! You should have learned to love yourself. I have.

You further disgust me by saying women are designed to receive your sperm, so that you may create life! How dare you? Are you trying to tell me that every nines months a married woman should give birth; that contraception is also an abomination; that sex should only be had when a baby is the desired by product? What then, dear Sir, happens when a woman cannot bare children, or her husband cannot  fertilize her? Does that then mean they, too, are abominations? Is she then a useless vessel, or her husband worthless? You are very quick to talk, but very short-sighted. Consider your terrible words and thoughts before you express them.

Furthermore, just because you are a Christian does not mean everyone else is. It would be the same as me assuming everyone was gay. We all have different beliefs, and different lifestyles, and you have no room to say which is better than the others. You tell me God hates the act of homosexuality, but loves the person trapped by homosexuality? What? Do you think this is a disease? Am I infected?

You tell me it’s easier to live a lie than believe the truth. Yes, it’s much easier to be gay and discriminated against than to follow the masses and pass judgement on all those inferior human beings. It’s so much easier being harassed every time I step outside my house. It’s so much easier having to justify myself every time I cross paths with a fool such as yourself. It’s much easier to stand up for what I believe in than succumb to the pressures of the world. Also, it is much easier knowing I can never have a child that has been created by the love I share with my partner.

I was created this way, I did not convert! Preach all you like, this is one gay boy you cannot convert. Write me off to bad debt!

Marvelously Moist Malva Pudding

This recipe, which has become my family’s absolute favorite, comes from a South African chef, Cas Abrahams. I have, as usual, tweaked it here and there until I thought it was perfect. Malva Pudding is about as synonymous with South Africa as Nelson Mandela.  It is a tried and trusted recipe, and will not fail to impress even the most “No thanks, I don’t have a sweet tooth” folk. When I was studying cheffing, my lecturer ordained me as the King of Malva Puddings (I know I’m bragging, but it’s not my fault it’s yummy!). It is best served piping hot or at room temperature with ice cold, shop bought custard (such as Ultramel, if you get it in the states?). Steve, the fiancé, has been known to give up Sunday lunch in favor of Malva Pudding.

Serves 6 greedy people

Ingredients:

For the pudding:

1 cup of castor sugar

2 large eggs

2 Tbsps of apricot jam

1 tsp of vanilla essence

185g of all purpose/ cake flour

1 tsp of baking soda

1/2 tsp of baking powder

pinch of salt

1/4 cup of butter, melted

1 tsp of white spirit vinegar (regular, cheap vinegar)

1/2 cup of  cream

For the sauce:

1 1/2 cups of  cream

1/2 cup of butter

1/2 cup of sugar

2 Tbsps of golden syrup

2 tsps of vanilla essence

Method:

For the pudding:

1. Preheat the oven to 190 degrees Celsius. Grease an oven-proof casserole dish or similar earthenware container.
2. Using an electric egg beater, beat the sugar and eggs until light and fluffy. Add the jam and vanilla and beat well.
3. Sift the flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt into another bowl.
4. In a mug, mix together the melted butter, vinegar, and cream.
5. Using a large metal spoon, fold the sifted dry ingredients into the egg-sugar mixture, alternating with the melted butter-vinegar mixture, until all the ingredients are just mixed through.
6. Bake for 45 to 60 minutes, until dark brown, or until a skewer inserted into the center of the pudding comes out clean.

For the sauce:

1. 10 minutes before the pudding is done, place all the sauce ingredients in a saucepan, and bring to the boil. Boil for 5 minutes.
2. Remove the pudding from oven, prick holes all over it using a skewer or knife, and pour the hot sauce over the hot pudding.
3. Allow to cool ever so slightly, then serve in bowls, drowning in ice cold, shop bought custard. (or make your own from scratch)

The World’s Most Scrumptious, Decadent, ‘Forget-all-your-worries,’ Sinfully Naughty Carrot Cake

This is my fail-proof, up until now top-secret, Carrot Cake recipe. It has saved many a birthday from being ruined by cheap, shop bought gunk.  I will not lie to you, it is the best carrot cake around. I have yet to encounter a non-lover. The ingredient list is long and a bit pricey, but is truly worth the expense and effort. This cake will not only make you forget about terrible things like war and mortgages, but will also contribute to your recommended 5-a-day (enough reason to eat it).

Makes one very big, or two smaller cakes.

The all-important, top secret ingredients list:

For the cake:

1 cup of raisins

6 cups of carrots, grated

1 cup of brown sugar

4 eggs, lightly beaten

1 cup of vegetable oil

2 tsps of vanilla essence (1 tsp of extract)

1 can of tinned pineapple chunks, crushed with a fork

3 cups of flour

2 tsps of baking powder

1 1/2 tsps of baking soda (bicarb)

1 tsp of salt

3 tsps of ground cinnamon

1 tsp of ground cardamom (the secret spice)

1/2 cups of walnuts, roughly chopped

For the Icing:

1 package of Philly cream cheese

1/4 cup of butter, softened

3 cups of icing sugar (powdered)

1 Tbsp of lemon juice

1/2 cup of walnuts, for decorating

Method:

For the cake:

1. Combine the raisins, carrots, and brown sugar in a bowl, and set aside for half an hour.
2. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius, and grease a large, ring shaped cake tin (or 2 smaller tins).
3. Sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, and cardamom.
4. Mix the eggs, oil, vanilla, and crushed pineapple, and add to the dry ingredients, stirring with a wooden spoon to combine.
5. Add the carrot mixture, together with any juices, and mix well.
6. Fold in the chopped walnuts.
7. Plop the batter into the prepared tin(s), and bake for approximately 1 hour, or until a skewer inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. You will know the cake is almost done when your kitchen is filled with a heavenly, trance inducing aroma.
8. Allow to cool slightly before removing from the tin, and then completely before cutting in half horizontally and attempting to ice, or the icing will melt and you have a very sticky mess on your hands.

For the Icing:

1. Using an electric egg beater, cream together the Philly and butter.
2. Gradually beat in the icing sugar, a spoonful at a time, until smooth and luscious.
3. Beat in the lemon juice.
4. Use half to sandwich the two halves of the cake together, and the remaining half to smear unashamedly over the rest of the cake.
5. Scatter with walnuts.
6. Make a mental note of how long it takes for the cake to disappear from the fridge, which is where I keep it.

Banana Boy Muffins

I found this recipe on a cooking website, and have tweaked it here and there to ensure the moistest, yummiest muffins pop out the oven every single time. If you choose to use a jumbo muffin tin, and you fill them all the way to the top (as I did), your muffins will come out with a crunchy, super scrumptious muffin top (I hear the muffin connoisseurs screaming no! ). The mixture can also be used to make a banana loaf, in which case, use a greased loaf tin, and adjust the cooking time to about an hour.

Anyhoo, here’s how it goes.

To make 6 jumbo banana boy muffins, you will need:

3 large, ripe bananas

125g butter or margarine, melted

1 egg, lightly beaten

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp of vanilla essence (1/2 tsp of vanilla extract)

1 tsp of bicarb (baking soda)

1/2 tsp of baking powder

2 cups of plain, all purpose flour, sifted

2 tsps of allspice or cinnamon

Pinch of salt

1/4 cup of oil

Method:

1. Preheat the oven to 190 degrees Celsius, and grease a large-hole muffin tray.
2. In a large bowl, mash the bananas until soft and squishy.
3. Using a wooden spoon, mix in the egg, followed by the sugar and vanilla.
4. Sprinkle the baking soda and baking powder over the mixture, and stir in.
5. Add the flour, spice and salt, and mix until just combined.
6. Pour the oil over the mix, and stir until incorporated.
7. Spoon into the prepared muffin tray, and bake in the preheated oven for 30-45 minutes, until the tops have browned, and skewer inserted into a muffin comes out clean. (Time will vary according to oven, so keep and eye on them.)
8. Allow to cool slightly before cutting in half, smearing with butter and dolloping some strawberry jam on each half.

Mantra of a New Me…

Mantra of a New Me
1. I will learn to love myself, and take delight in being absolutely different.
2. I will nourish my body with wholesome ingredients.
3. I will feed my soul regularly, and on occasion, allow it to overindulge.
4. I will laugh whole heartedly until my stomach aches.
5. I will take pride in that which is me, and relish in the fact that there is no other quite the same.

1. I will not judge others until I have walked a day in their stilettos.
2. I will not allow my body to become a useless calorie vessel.
3. I will not torment my soul by ignoring its call for stimulation.
4. I will not keep my tears in a reservoir, nor will I prevent others from seeing them.
5. I will not, under any circumstances, be ashamed of my whole being, just as I will never accept any
preconceived judgments.